...Ford Every Scheme- Library of Mu
- Library of Mu record:
- Title: ...Ford Every Scheme
- Date: 28 May, 1988
- Journal: Sounds
- Author: Roy Wilkinson
- Type of resource: Features
- Status: original
- No. views: 8796
- Description: "interview with the "happy-go-lucky Essex twang" speaking Dagaenham motor who made "the most nauseating record ever".
...Ford Every Scheme
By Roy Wilkinson (28 May, 1988, Sounds)
The car that does 0-60 BPM in just over three minutes flat...
"Hi! I'm Ford Timelord. I'm a car, and I've made a record."
Equipped with the thought patterns of an Essex soulboy, the
original, and much loved Doctor Who theme, songs by Gary Glitter and Sweet,
and with DALEKS on backing vocals, a car - a Ford Galaxy 500 to be precise -
has indeed made a record, 'Doctorin' The Tardis', a record so noxious that a
TopTen place can be its only destiny.
Born in Detroit in 1968, moving with his family to Dagenham in 1970,
Ford grew up with the body of an American cop car and the brain of
white-socked Essex boy.
It was this combination of good looks and cheeky wideboy guile that
landed him a part in Superman 3.
Fame was short lived however, and he was soon in the car sales. it
was here he was picked up by a desperate pair known as The Justified
Ancients of Mu Mu.
Soon he was coerced into a life nicking other people's records - a
sad fate for a police car - and tricked into thinking he was going to meet Abba.
Now, Ford has decided that it's time for him to move into the fast
lane. Wisely telling his owners that no one was ever really interested in
their records, Ford has decided to make a record that "real people want to
hear", a record based on a few simple truths:
1. "Everybody loves Gary Glitter."
2. "Everybody loves Doctor Who."
3. "Everybody has pretended to be a DALEK."
Armed with this gruesome, goodtime masterplan and technical
assistance from King Boy D and Rockman Rock - who he has humiliatingly
renamed Time Boy and Lork Rock - Ford has produced a record more dealy than
'Startrekkin", 'Pump Up The Volume' and 'Loadsamoney' put together.
It's a record whose rancid reworking of ancient discs like Gazza's
'Rock And Roll' and Sweet's 'Blockbuster' justifies Ford's claim: "Probably
the most nauseating record ever."
Calling Ford in Dagenham, we are greeted with a happy-go-lucky Essex
twang of awfully realistic proportions.
Revelling in Radio 1's adoption of the record and looking forward to
appearances on TOTP and Top Gear, Ford shrugs off accusations that he's
simply a retread of British Leyland's talking Maestro.
"No way mate, I've got a far larger vocabulary."
But isn't the record just a rehash of Natalie Cole's "Pink Cadillac'
and the complete works of the Cortinas?
"No fear mate, those geezers ain't got nothing on me. I say if you
want a car record then get a car to do it."
Is it true you used your time travelling ability to lend an
authentic feel to your record's 70's groove?
"Sorry mate, in fact, to tell you the truth, I can't time travel at all -
you could say I'm a bit of a Fraud Timelord, ho ho."
Wot a sense of fun, wot a record. Sounds like a hit to me.
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