BILL AND JIMMY MUTILATE A COW- Library of Mu

Library of Mu record:
Title: BILL AND JIMMY MUTILATE A COW
Date: 1997-10-01 ?
Journal: D>tour
Author: Stewart Home
Type of resource: Articles
Status: text
No. views: 1956
Description: Bizarre article, starts with a summary of post K-Foundation activies mentioning lots of occult and leyline stuff before launching into a fantastical BSE-ridden account of a post Barbican event that is obviously satire of the Turner activities.


BILL AND JIMMY MUTILATE A COW

By Stewart Home (1997-10-01, ? D>tour)

Bill Drummond and Jimmy Cauty were never happy being pop stars. After topping the charts with the KLF in the early nineties, the duo found themselves caught up in an escalating spiral of hype. To frustrate the expectations of their fans, they not only destroyed their musical career, but the money they'd earned from it - they burnt 1 million in 50 notes on the remote Scottish island of Jura - leaving them free to pursue myriad low-key projects.

BILL AND JIMMY MUTILATE A COW

Drummond co-wrote the novel Bad Wisdom with Mark 'Zodiac Mindwarp' Manning and embarked on a reading tour designed to blow away any pop star mystique that still clung to his persona. Suddenly the elusive character was accessible. The media ignored the book and Drummond's trek around the UK to promote it. Meanwhile, Cauty involved himself in the anti-roads protest movement, using a sound system mounted on an armoured car to bombard motorway contractors with mind-bending white noise.

More recently, Bill and Jimmy were bidding against the likes of psychic spoon-bender Uri Geller to buy the Rollright stone circle in rural Oxfordshire. Drummond and Cauty planned to conduct.a series of rituals at-the ancient monument, which is situated on a ley line, with the intention of overthrowing the British establishment. The owner, Pauline Flick, got wind of this and the duo's attempts at gazumping all-comers were frustrated because some feared that their plans would result in the violent death of innumerable public figures.

Recently, Bill and Jimmy have heard rumours that the Government plans to sell off Stonehenge, and are determined to purchase it and use it for ritual purposes. To raise money for this project which, they say, will destroy the state, the duo are making music again after a five-year break. Drummond and Cauty's first 2K performance was at the Barbican on 17 September. The hall was packed with trendy young artists, rock hipsters and leading occult figures.

The Barbican show premiered a new version of the KLF classic What Time Is Love? featuring a brass band and new lyrics built around the slogan 'Fuck The Millennium'. Bill and Jimmy scootered about the stage on motorised wheelchairs, mutilating a dead swan that symbolised the monarchy. As the show went on, they were joined by a picket line of placard-waving striking Liverpool dockers. At the end, everyone in the audience was presented with a 'Fuck the Millennium' T-shirt, bag, poster and bumper sticker.'

After the show, those in the know gathered on the corner of Commercial and Hanbury streets in Spitalfields. A couple of hookers were soliciting business, their offer of straight sex for 20 at a nearby Jack The Ripper murder site arousing a certain amount of interest.

After a long wait, several coaches arrived to convey us to the Iron Age Madmarston Hill Fort in Oxfordshire. The site lies on the powerful ley line that runs between the ancient Arbury Camp ind the Neolithic Rollright Stones.

On arrival at Madmarston, the specially invited guests were confronted by a dead cow that was tied to a crucifix, and illuminated by a spotlight. Behind this there was a huge billboard emblazoned with the words 'Yes, Yes'.Richard Essex of the Anti-Millennium Alliance kicked off the second part of the evening's events with a talk entitled No Third Reich, No Third Millennium. The nub of this speech was a proposal that we should abandon the Christian calendar and thus delay the arrival of the millennium for another 600 years.

"ln the past," Essex informed us, "revolutionaries have inaugurated new dating systems from the point at which the ancient regime collapsed but this strikes me as being too egotistical. The Anti-Millennium proposal means adopting a calendar which is already nearly 400 hundred years old. It derives from the ancient Egyptian calendar and we call it the Modern Khemetic Calendar because Khem is a name for Egypt. The ancient Egyptians had a civil calendar which rotated over a 1,460 year cycle. The current cycle commenced in AD 1599. This coincides with the inauguration of the modern era in the realm of science. Thus we have reached the year 398 in the Modern Khemetic Calendar."

Richard Essex further confused his listeners by explaining the relationship between the Khemetic Calendar and various solar events, such as the rising of the star Sirius in the Canis Major constellation. At the end of the Anti-Millennium Alliance talk, everyone was shuffled around. There were mumbles of complaint when people realised that important music business figures had been assembled around the crucified cow, while everyone else was kept well back by a small army of assistants.

Then, amid bursts of excruciating white noise, Bill and Jimmy emerged from the shadows wearing protective clothing and gas masks, wielding axes above their heads. The duo quickly butchered the cow, simultaneously splattering the assembled record company personnel with blood. Next, Drummond and Cauty scooped up great handfuls of offal and threw it around.

A taped announcement informed everyone that those individuals who had been splashed with gore would be held back, so that they could wipe themselves down with union flags. There was, we were told, a good chance the industry insiders had been infected with Mad Cow Disease. They travelled home on a separate coach from the rest of us!

When I spoke to Drummond on the phone the next day, he explained it had been extremely difficult obtaining the dead cow: "I had to offer some slaughterhouse workers an enormous bribe. With the furore over BSE, every farm animal has to be accounted for and their bodies disposed of in a strictly regulated fashion." Bill wasn't worried by the legal implications of his action either. "People are very angry about what we did, but the establishment wants to hush it up. We won't be prosecuted; the publicity around a court case would screw up all the diplomatic efforts that have gone into rehabilitating the image of British beef."

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